Dis-Stressed

I’m working on getting this site cleaned up and filled up and finding people who have books and materials that might be interesting to you or my other readers, you know, useful information for a successful life with this complication hanging over us, fiction and memoirs that tell stories that let us know we are not in this alone, plain old books that might come in especially handy because we are living with a bipolar spouse, and I have added a couple to my “found books” page and hope to be adding others soon. It’s stressful because some of the stories I am reading are so poorly edited that I wouldn’t wish them upon you. Some have no signs of planning or organization. So I’m asking you–if you have discovered a resource that you think should be on this page, make a note in the comments.

I will have to moderate those comments because unfortunately when links are allowed to go through unmoderated it seems like spambots come out in force and have a field day. I promise, I will approve posts as quickly as possible, but there’s only one person working on this, so be patient.

No, this page is not my greatest stressor. This page suffers the most when I am stressed out, but often it is my sanctuary in a storm. Writing actually helps me to calm down and think things through. If you haven’t tried it, do.

Right now I am dealing with a husband who has been working for nearly nine months with the same trucking company (the first job after over ten years unemployed) and he is starting to see greener grass with other trucking companies. One of the annoying things about him before he started treatment was that he couldn’t keep a job for more than a few months and was on to something new, frequently leaving gaps in employment when he couldn’t replace a job as easily as he expected.  Well, at least he is finding another job before leaving this one. We have made some progress. Still, I don’t believe he has really thought this through, nor does he want to think it through. His current company isn’t treating him as well as he’d like and another might be better. Greener pastures await.

But I am not so sure. I fear change. I kept a job I really didn’t like for 13 years rather than make a change. He can’t wait one year. Nine months and he’s off. I know he may have better experiences with other companies, but he won’t accept that he might also have worse experiences, that he might not last even nine months with the next company. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid he’s manic. Not floridly manic, hearing voices, starting fights, wanting to run the company. No, but maybe a little manic–believing that he deserves special treatment or that he knows more about trucking than the people who have been there all these years. Believing that he is being intentionally and personally attacked when a phone isn’t answered or an error is made.

And I’m at home…waiting, wondering, worrying and writing. I’m at home… trying to hold myself together, trying to understand, trying to plan my own next move.  I’m at home… looking for resources to help other people who are like myself. Waiting for the other shoe.to.drop. Waiting. Thanks for waiting with me.

Security

I quit my day job two months ago and I was both scared and excited at the thought of being able to stay at home and work on my writing business full time. It is one of those dreams that most people can’t even start to think about until they have a contract with a major publisher and a best seller on the New York Times list. Many of the authors on that list are still working a day job. I’m not.

I don’t make a lot of money from my books, in fact, I don’t make enough between all of my writing projects to cover what I was making in retail–just a cut above minimum wage. I do have some secret weapons though that provide me with a level of security.

I have a husband who may have a serious mental illness, but he loves me and values what I value and allows me a lot of control to protect us from his tendency to overspend. He trusts me enough to talk to his doctor when he is feeling fine, but I’m noticing behavior that worries me. He trusts me enough to put off making major decisions when I don’t feel that he’s stable enough to make them. And I don’t use that against him–if I actually feel that he’s stable, but I don’t like a decision, I argue my case the same as anyone else does and we come to an agreement. I don’t always have to win just because I’m stable. I’m not always right.

I have just enough money coming in from my own resources that I can do the things that are important to me. I have multiple income streams–I have my book at several different bookstores and get paid regularly by Amazon, Smashwords and Lulu. I recently started a copywriting job that will get more fun and more interesting as I learn more about it. I am always looking for freelance opportunities and am willing to do other types of odd jobs to make money. It seems like there’s always another check coming in soon.

I have decided that God must be in favor of this arrangement because I have received several unexpected checks in the mail at times when I needed just about the amount of the check. I never got random checks before, but received three unexpected checks and got a refund when we originally had determined that we’d owe on income taxes–we found that one magic deduction. I don’t know any other explanation.

And finally, I had written a book several years ago about living on a small income, something we’d done when the boys were young and Troy was having trouble keeping a job. I am quite skilled at being able to do without or to find ways to get what I need without spending a lot of money. I have been meaning to dig this information out and make a new book out of it, and having to live on my own earnings is giving me a chance to practice the tips in the original book and come up with a few new twists.

I’m two months into living on Troy’s income paying the regular bills and mine paying the groceries and other shopping. I worried that he’d be spending more on the road than we could afford and that I’d be working a day job within a month. I worried that we’d have something come up and not be able to pay the basic bills. I worried that Troy would have a melt-down and stop working. I worried that he’d resent my being at home. I worried too much.

I’m learning that there are bumps, that every day is a risk. It’s not about avoiding the risks, it’s about dealing with the problems when they come up and moving on from there. Everybody has risks. I’m just more aware of mine. I think that’s a good thing.

Just a Little Manic

My husband, Troy, called this morning and told me that he might be a little manic and that he bought himself a new pair of cowboy boots the other day. Yep, might be a little manic.

He wants to get a ready-made garage installed at the back of our lot and was saving the income tax refund for a down payment. I’m not sure if the boots are a bad thing or if they might have saved us from getting into debt. The garage would be nice, and we might still be able to make it. At least Troy recognizes that he shouldn’t be making financial decisions at this point. A little manic.

Yesterday he was calling around to all of the other trucking companies to try to find himself a better job. It seems that the company that’s allowed him to start training others after just six months and that has given him some pretty good miles might not be the best paying company out there. Besides, the trainees that they are assigning to him aren’t ready for on-the-job training–they can’t even shift through the gears properly. So it’s time to find another company to work for. It doesn’t matter that he has health insurance where he is and is getting some tests done this week. It’s time to start calling other trucking companies–because maybe he’s a little manic? Nah, couldn’t be.

Meanwhile I’m at home worrying about all of the old medical bills that insurance didn’t pay for one reason or another and what we’ll do if anything happens while he is uninsured for the transition. Maybe he’ll forget about it before he has a chance to act on it, Maybe he’ll be stable again soon. Maybe he’s just a little manic.

Take some deep breaths, find something else to work on, check to see if I’ve sold another eBook on Amazon. HEY! My paperback is showing up for sale through Amazon! I released it a few days ago and I’ve been holding back on publicity offline because nobody would be able to find my book on the self-publishing site. MY BOOK! It’s on Amazon! Who’s a little manic now?

 

Manic Energy?

I just got back from the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and am feeling just a bit of what manic energy might feel like. My mind is racing from all of the information I received from the speakers and all the new friends I made. It was probably the most fun I’ve had alone in my entire life–I don’t get out much, but this was spectacular.

Usually I am pretty much a wall-flower, but I got involved with a group of people before the event and ended up being in the center of things instead. I don’t know what I was afraid of. The people I met were wonderful and interesting and fun. I didn’t feel left out or looked down upon at all, even when I was talking to people who have already accomplished more than I have even dreamed.

There was a lot of information shared in a short period of time and I tend to be a bit of a sponge–I love information. I took a lot of notes and ordered a copy of the audio of the whole event so I can go over anything I might have missed.  I’ve never got this much useful information all at once and it is taking longer than I expected to process it all and get my act together to use it. Maybe I’m getting older?

The racing thoughts, the feeling of being on top of the world, the need to keep moving, and the inability to actually sit down and get started seems so similar to how my husband describes his feelings in manic episodes that it’s scaring me.  I know that having this experience doesn’t make me bipolar, I am merely overwhelmed, but I have never actually been able to experience anything this close. I don’t know why anyone would get hooked on mania if it’s like this–it’s not really fun. I’m rather fond of being in control of my own mind.

I managed to sit down and write this post. I am making progress toward calming down enough to do some of the changes that were discussed in the sessions.  I just need time to relax.

I hope you will like the changes on this website.

 

Starting Over

Bonnie Rice

Every once in a while, we come to a point in our lives where we’d like to start over with a clean slate and an opportunity to fill the blank page with a new story. Today is my day.

I fully intend to get all of my old articles rewritten and posted on this website and in time it will represent my life’s work–going forward and backward from today–but today I just want to enjoy my clean slate.

If you are one of the people who has a bipolar partner and you want more information on how to live a great life in spite of or because of that fact–check out LOVE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS and come back regularly to this site. We will cover a lot of ground on that topic.  Look for the “bipolar spouse” category.

If you are a writer, especially a non-fiction writer, and you want to learn about my work as a writer and about the things I am learning as I write and publish my books and maintain my blog and submit articles to other publishers you’ll want to check in here, too. Look for the “writer” category.

If you are struggling with organizing your time or your space or your finances, this will also be a good resource. I’ve learned that being organized in ways that are helpful to you and fit your lifestyle is possible even if having a spotless house and money in the bank isn’t. I’ve helped hundreds of people find more peace and prosperity in their lives without totally reworking their lifestyle or winning the lottery. I can help you, too. Look for the “home organization” or “frugal living” category.

Friday March 16, 2012 marks the last day that I worked as a clerk at Walgreens. Monday March 19, 2012 is the first day of the rest of my life. If you are considering quitting your day job or leaving some other toxic situation to start a new life for yourself, you have come to the right place. Join me as I step into a new life full of possibility and dreams. We can make it. Look for the “new beginnings” category.