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This time, I didn’t take it to heart, I almost poked fun in my head at the situation because I had exhausted myself too much thinking it was me who had something wrong, that I was unreasonable, that I was demanding, that I was this person who was so dificult to be around it caused this guy to blow up as if I had just done something horrific for the smallest thing….or he would lead me along a journey that he wanted me on, twisting words, building momentum and I would allow him to take me on this journey.

Reading about it, I made three conditions and told him unless he agreed to them he couldn’t come back into my life. One was that we were exclusive, that the friendship could last years for all I care, but it would be exclusive until we found out if we can make it work or not and under those terms I would be his friend as long as he needed it. The second was that he stuck with any treatment and did not go on and off medication (seems to be a big problem when they get inflated sense of selves, that they don’t need medication) and the third was that any hypersexualisation was under control, no internet chatting to women, no promiscuity, no cheating (he assures me he has that under control and has very high standards and a very high moral code, but I needed to make sure it was clear for my own honouring of myself).

The rest, I am learning and I did rather well this time when he blew up, he blew up, walked away and I have let him and simply dropped him an email to let him know I realise that this is Bipolar, that he can feel safe to show all sides of himself, he doesn’t have to hide, that I am learning what the best thing to do is and that I wont contact him again and the ball is in his court as to whether he can agree to those three things to be back in my life this time around.

I think you have to honour yourself, I think you have to not take it to heart and I love that you got that as I wondered if it was the right thing to do to just shrug and say ‘There goes tanty pants again’……….as it is just the most awful thing to suffer from……………….not sure if I am going to be able to do it, when we think of our lives of love we think of having someone who is our partner, who supports us equally as we do them and lots of other positive things………..we never think we are going to be abused through our life, have fingers pointed at us, have paranoia, hiding, anger, fear, twisted thoughts etc from our partner thrown at us.

He hasn’t been put on medication yet I don’t think, not sure how that will play out and not sure how long this time until I hear from him again, or if I will I suppose…….this has been going on a couple of years now, seems great for a few months, then blows up and seems to be looking for a fight so he can make mountains and storm off. Then it’s months until he is back again usually, this one he was only back for a month and unlike other times I won’t be chasing after him, I will leave him be.

Thanks for sharing, I am learning so much from people like you.

Much Love

Amanda