So you’ve just learned that your partner has bipolar disorder or you have just experienced an episode and are coming out of shock enough to want to know what you’ve gotten yourself into and how are you going to survive. Scary huh?
Bipolar is a serious mental illness that can make relationships, especially long-term relationships like marriage, extremely difficult.
There are people who have bipolar disorder and are afraid or simply refuse to seek out appropriate treatment. There are some who have tried and had such bad experiences with doctors or medications that they don’t want to have anything to do with it. There are some who are doing everything they can and are still not able to control the episodes. If you are in love with one of them, you already know that the cards are stacked against you and it’s not going to be an easy relationship.
There are people who have bipolar disorder and are working with a psychiatrist and a therapist. They may have found some medications that are helping and may even have some time of stability behind them. Maybe they only have a minor glitch from time to time and it looks like you’ll have to be mindful of their disorder, but it’s not that important. And it could be true–but you never really know when an episode might break through or the medications might stop working. You can live a normal life together, but you have to be on your guard.
But that’s life in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder. If you want the marriage to survive and thrive, there are specific steps that you can take to make things a little less stressful and a little more stable. I’ll describe these in more detail in separate articles, but here’s my list:
1) Establish boundaries to protect yourself from the symptoms of bipolar disorder before they hit. Make a plan now for what you will do if there is any abusive behavior, not to punish or control, but to keep yourself safe physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You do not have to stand there and take it. You can walk away or hang up the phone or call a time-out. While things are quiet is the best time to decide what sort of behavior will trigger you to call the psychiatrist or the police. When it’s time to make that call your emotions could get in the way if you don’t have a plan. Have a plan.
2) Learn to detach and ignore any hurtful words. You know that those words aren’t true and it is just the bipolar talking. Keep that in mind and take it to heart. Detaching is a lot like forgiving. It doesn’t take the responsibility away from the person who hurt you, but it frees you from the position of victim. Some people have suggested that detaching means that you don’t care. That’s not entirely what I mean here. For me detaching means thinking it through rationally and accepting that the words don’t come from a place of truth, but from a place of confusion and chaos. I do believe that the person who says them should be held accountable and should do something to make things right–either by a heartfelt apology or other means. It hurts less when I know where it comes from, but it is still hurtful and I still care and if we are going to have a relationship we have to come to that agreement.
3) Work as a team. Your partner is not the enemy. Bipolar disorder is the enemy and if you are working together to keep the bipolar under control, you won’t have the time or the energy to fight with one another. Learn all you can about symptoms and triggers and medications. Learn to react quickly so that symptoms have less time to progress. Learn to trust one another so that if either of you feels that something is wrong you can work together to correct it instead of wasting time arguing about it. Accept that sometimes bipolar isn’t the problem. Everyone has issues, sometimes it’s you.
4) Trust the doctor. A psychiatrist is specially trained to deal with mental illness and the drugs that treat it. If you find that the doctor is prescribing things that don’t make sense, ask questions. Sometimes there is information about a medication that the doctor is aware of but it isn’t in the literature. Sometimes the best drug for the job is one that is usually used for something totally different. If the doctor can’t answer your questions and things seem to be getting worse, consider a second opinion and see where that leads. If the doctor prescribes whatever you or your partner suggest it could be a problem because the doctor might be able to make better choices if he or she weren’t trying to please you. If you don’t trust your doctor, find another doctor. (For example, my husband was left on an antidepressant when it was no longer working for him because he was sure that if he discontinued it he’d slip into a depression. When he finally did discontinue it he was actually more stable. The doctor continued the prescription to keep him compliant. The doctor made the best choice he allowed her to make.)
5) Do not “walk on eggshells” to avoid a confrontation. There is nothing more annoying to a stable person than to have someone treating him or her like a spoiled child. You don’t want people treating you like you might have a tantrum at any moment–it’s condescending. And when a person is in an episode, nothing you can do will be good enough to avoid a blowout anyway. Treat one another with respect at all times and expect the best from one another. Sometimes you may get an irrational reaction, but that’s life with bipolar in the mix. If you protect your boundaries and demand your legitimate rights you may actually get some respect and avoid a lot of the abuse.
6) Keep your expectations realistic. This is not a “take two aspirin and call me in the morning” disorder. There is no cure and the treatment is not perfect. No matter how long a person has been stable on a certain medication regimen, there can be breakthrough episodes or it can suddenly stop working altogether for any reason or no reason that you can uncover. Have a plan for dealing with mood swings and episodes that you work through with your partner and the psychiatrist. The doctor may prescribe a medication that can be taken or the dosage changed in case of specific situations. There may be lifestyle changes or relaxation exercises that can be done. Be aware of your partner’s triggers so you can help to avoid them or suggest countering them with the prescribed medication. Be aware of the symptoms that occur when a mood swing is starting so that you can follow your plan for that as soon as possible.
7) You are reading this last because I want you to remember it first: Take care of yourself. If you allow yourself to get run down and trampled you won’t be in any condition to take care of anyone and somebody has to run this show. Deal with your own stress before it piles up. Take long baths or long walks or read cheap novels or do crafts or art or whatever it takes to wind down when you are wound up. It’s an investment in your own sanity and it’s an investment that pays off immediately and in the long term. Give yourself a break. Don’t expect perfection. It’s okay if you sometimes lose your temper or your composure. It’s alright to cry. This disorder is bigger than all of us and when you find that you can’t do anything that helps, accept that maybe there’s nothing you can do. You aren’t God. (unless God is reading this, my apologies)
I’ve just been told that I’m not an expert. I’m not sure I believe that. I have spent 26 years in a bipolar marriage without even knowing that was the situation for the first twenty years and six years doing research on what it means to have a bipolar spouse and how to make it livable and happy. I’ve managed to work out a lot of it for myself, I’ve learned all kinds of things from other people in support groups and through books and articles, and I’ve shared the information with people who have found it helpful. It may not be my career and I may not have a medical degree, but I’ve definitely put in the hours and made it a passion to help as many others as I can. I don’t believe that writing a book makes me an expert, but doing the research needed to write the book just might qualify.
Check out the eBook LOVE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS and see if it was written by an expert in bipolar marriage. You decide.
i dont know how you did it..my biopolar husband is a drunk and very verbally absuive..i have to leave almost once or twice a month for his out of control behavior..he takes meds i think he has enough of them but this time i have been gone for 3 months now..he went into an angery rage while i was gone and broke everything in the house…everything i called his doctor and they called 911 police never showed up..he is now on dating sights and talking to all kinds of women on the internet..ive tired so hard for 3 years now and he wont do anything to help himself..sorry to say i wont go back…hes crazy and i want to be happy…no more roller coaster for me…escepially when he crossing my boundries all the time screams and yells at me pushes and drinks till he cant walk anymore..he wont stop doing any of it…so all i see is distant and safety for me …oh yes he has loaded guns in the house and has shoot one off in the house.. i dont see any way around this but divorce..he wont do anything wont listen to me and done tiring
All you can do is all you can do. I was lucky that my husband was willing to accept his diagnosis and get help. When someone has a mental illness and has decided that they are happy with that illness and don’t want to do what it takes to get well, sometimes leaving is the best, even the only, thing a responsible partner can do. It would be nice if I could tell you that you can follow three simple steps and everything will be fine, but this is not a simple situation and there is no easy answer. I hope and pray that you stay safe during your separation. Be aware that violent people can become even more violent during separation and divorce and you should make sure that he stays a safe distance from you. If you have property that you need to get from the house, have someone else pick it up or have the police along or send a friend with police. Maybe in time he will realize what he has lost and will seek help. Maybe by then you will be living happily ever after with someone else. He had his chance. Take care of yourself.
I really appreciate this. I have been married for almost 7 years. We have three kids. I have known that he has bipolar disorder for about 3 of these past years. He has tried a couple variations of medications, always stopping and refuses to seek help from a psychiatrist. It got to the point where he pulled a handgun one night and said he was going to kill himself in front of me. I grabbed the phone to call 911 and he then he said he would kill me. THe next morning I tried to have him baker acted. He played Mr. Normal for the cops, apologized to me and I let him come back home a couple days later. Now when he gets angry he always asks, “what are you gonna call the cops?” he tells me I’m a bad mother, horrible spouse, etc etc. Then he’ll take a nap and be Mr. Charming again. If I bring up bipolar, the shit hits the fan, so there is no talking about it at this point. I don’t know what to do. (btw, all the guns are now gone from the house, I at least accomplished that bit).
Lisa,
I’m glad to hear that the guns are gone from the house, but I’m not sure that means that you are safe. I do think that you need to have a plan in place for any time when you don’t feel safe–somewhere that you can go quickly and easily that he won’t be likely to look for you or where he wouldn’t dare behave inappropriately.
I don’t want to suggest that you have to leave permanently, but if he appears to be a danger to you or the children, you don’t have much choice except to get some distance. You could use that time to build up your confidence and self-image which is probably pretty far gone. You need some leverage to get him to seek help and it’s possible that leaving or getting him to leave and only agreeing to get back together after you’ve seen that he is consistently working toward stability, well, it might get him to think about it. Consistently means months of regular appointments and following the doctor’s orders to the letter–not one trip to the doctor and he loses the prescription on the way home.
Please let me know how you are doing and if there is anything I might do to help.
Thanks for this
I am just really getting educated on bipolar myself after the man I love coming back after blowing up over nothing and leaving again saying he will never talk to me again and has no feelings, to tell me he has found he has bipolar. He asked for my friendship right now, that he was open to see if he could have a relationship, but right now, he missed me and needed me as a friend. I agreed, but he pushed me away again a few days ago with calls that we aren’t exclusive (and I strongly told him we needed to be exclusive right now, even as just friends, until we found out if and where we could go, it would have to be exclusive). I stood my ground, he had another meltdown and has again walked away.
This time, I didn’t take it to heart, I almost poked fun in my head at the situation because I had exhausted myself too much thinking it was me who had something wrong, that I was unreasonable, that I was demanding, that I was this person who was so dificult to be around it caused this guy to blow up as if I had just done something horrific for the smallest thing….or he would lead me along a journey that he wanted me on, twisting words, building momentum and I would allow him to take me on this journey.
Reading about it, I made three conditions and told him unless he agreed to them he couldn’t come back into my life. One was that we were exclusive, that the friendship could last years for all I care, but it would be exclusive until we found out if we can make it work or not and under those terms I would be his friend as long as he needed it. The second was that he stuck with any treatment and did not go on and off medication (seems to be a big problem when they get inflated sense of selves, that they don’t need medication) and the third was that any hypersexualisation was under control, no internet chatting to women, no promiscuity, no cheating (he assures me he has that under control and has very high standards and a very high moral code, but I needed to make sure it was clear for my own honouring of myself).
The rest, I am learning and I did rather well this time when he blew up, he blew up, walked away and I have let him and simply dropped him an email to let him know I realise that this is Bipolar, that he can feel safe to show all sides of himself, he doesn’t have to hide, that I am learning what the best thing to do is and that I wont contact him again and the ball is in his court as to whether he can agree to those three things to be back in my life this time around.
I think you have to honour yourself, I think you have to not take it to heart and I love that you got that as I wondered if it was the right thing to do to just shrug and say ‘There goes tanty pants again’……….as it is just the most awful thing to suffer from……………….not sure if I am going to be able to do it, when we think of our lives of love we think of having someone who is our partner, who supports us equally as we do them and lots of other positive things………..we never think we are going to be abused through our life, have fingers pointed at us, have paranoia, hiding, anger, fear, twisted thoughts etc from our partner thrown at us.
He hasn’t been put on medication yet I don’t think, not sure how that will play out and not sure how long this time until I hear from him again, or if I will I suppose…….this has been going on a couple of years now, seems great for a few months, then blows up and seems to be looking for a fight so he can make mountains and storm off. Then it’s months until he is back again usually, this one he was only back for a month and unlike other times I won’t be chasing after him, I will leave him be.
Thanks for sharing, I am learning so much from people like you.
Much Love
Amanda
I found your piece very informative. I am just starting out in a relationship with a woman who was upfront from the word go…told me about the bipolar…she has been stable 2 years…takes meds regularly…doesn’t drink…avoids stress…healthy lifestyle. She appears to be doing everything possible to remain stable…I really like her but I obviously worry about the implications of entering into a serious relationship…given the bipolar. I messed up after 3 weeks…over reacted on something…apologised but still was punished with a number of emails berating my actions and threats of not speaking for sometime…I don’t know if this was bipolar or just a normal reaction…initially it was my over reacting that caused the situation but her reaction kind of made me step back and think is this what its going to be like? She is constantly informing me of the need for understanding with regard to her bipolar…telling me that if I want to be with her there are some things I am just going to have to accept…I am trying to find out as much information as possible about bipolar and relationships…but most concentrate on current relationships finding out about bipolar not new relationships and whether its a good idea to begin a relationship with someone you know to have bipolar….very confused!
Tracy,
Take it slow and easy and let her learn to trust you a bit. It isn’t really harder to have a relationship with someone with well-controlled bipolar disorder, but it does take some patience and understanding. You probably scared her and she panicked. It’s not appropriate for her to respond the way she did, but it isn’t uncommon for someone with bipolar to freak out when someone over-reacts or shows too much emotion. Keep things slow and casual until you know her and she trusts you to be angry without hurting her or leaving her. She may have scared a few good men away and she’s afraid you’ll go too. Don’t rush into a serious relationship. Leave yourself room to leave if she really is too unstable for you and get to know her well enough to know. It may take time. Good Luck.
Thanks Bonnie that makes a lot of sense