Just when I think it’s time to start thinking about other things and get enmeshed in another project, I get the lovely news that in the middle of our granddaughter being born, my class reunion out of town, and worries about paying the bills until I can start back at substitute teaching–Troy announces that he’s been feeling pretty good and has decided he doesn’t need his medication any more. Is there a bridge I can jump off? Seriously?
There’s a reason a person with bipolar will suggest going off medication at what seems to be the worst possible time and it’s not to torture us. Sometimes it’s the hypomania that comes with that low level stress that makes it seem so real and so full of possibility. Sometimes it’s surviving stress without a major meltdown and being fooled into believing that it would have been just as easy without that box of pills. Sometimes it’s a fairly extended period of calm that makes you both think that there’s been a real change when in reality, it’s just a period of calm that has a beginning and an inevitable end.
He asked me the question, the “have you noticed anything different?” question that I can’t possibly answer properly because I have noticed some stuff and I was waiting to see if it would resolve by itself because I know that if I say anything too soon he’ll be offended and lie about missing his meds and…if I don’t tell him that I’ve noticed just a start of something that he’ll insist that he’s been off his meds for two weeks and really doesn’t need them and I know I can’t win this question. It’s not a real question. It’s a trick.
I’m horrified that someone like Robin Williams would take his own life and saddened that he won’t be around to make people laugh, but his passing may have had a part in making my husband think. He’s never actually wanted to kill himself, but he’s been tormented by suicidal ideas and knows more about that than he cares to and…We don’t want to go there ever again. So he decided that the drugs are staying. It’s not time.
Somehow even the worst events can turn around and save lives. I hope there are many more who will chose to stay on their medication if they need it, who will get help or talk to someone or just have second thoughts and not do it. I wish Robin Williams had been able to find another way out of his torment. But I know he did the best he could and that’s all we can ask of anyone. I hope there is another way–for my husband and all the others out there fighting depression or bipolar or whatever. There has to be a better way.